How to Grind Your Organization to a Standstill—Part 1

I write a lot of posts explaining what to do to improve your organization. But occasionally I write a (sarcastic!) explanation on how to make everything worse. Of course, I don’t want to make your organization worse. However, it is valuable to see what makes things worse, and in turn how to avoid exactly these things so as NOT to make it worse. Maybe—and I am optimistic here—maybe even try to do the opposite and make it better? Anyway, let’s learn how (not?) to screw up an organization…

Sources

There are two main sources I used in the preparation for this blog post.  One is the freely available Simple Sabotage Field Manual by the US Strategic Services. Published in 1944, it was designed to help the Resistance within Europe to fight Nazi Germany.

Of course, the Swiss are also always a very good source for information on defending their mountain fortress. They have a similar publication from 1957 titled Der totale Widerstand. Kleinkriegsanleitung für Jedermann (in English available as Total Resistance: Swiss Army Guide to Guerilla Warfare and Underground Instructions) by Major H. von Dach.

Of course, since these publications are designed to help you fight an occupying force, they include plenty of details on how to blow up warehouses, take out trains, destroy tanks, and assassinate enemy leadership. If you are interested in these topics, please read the sources. Otherwise, I hope that in your organization there is less hostility. This blog post is inspired more by the sections of “Passive Resistance,” which still will give a lot of inspiration on how organizations can be slowed down. While a lot of points are taken directly out of the manual, many others are updated to include modern digital options to mess things up, as well as many lean tools that you can skip to create even more chaos and waste. I also took some points from an older blog post of mine, “Eight Rules for Total Gridlock in the Organization (Video).”

Weaponizing Meetings

As you surely know, meetings are an excellent way to waste time. Make long and windy speeches. Talk as frequently as possible and at great length. Illustrate your points with long anecdotes and accounts of personal experiences. Never hesitate to make a few appropriate comments. Bring up irrelevant issues as frequently as possible. Haggle over precise wordings of communications, minutes, and resolutions. Refer back to matters decided upon at the last meeting and attempt to re-open the question of the advisability of that decision. Advocate caution. It is better to be safe than sorry, and, after all, anything could go wrong. Be “reasonable” and urge your fellow-conferees to also be “reasonable.” Avoid haste, which may result in embarrassments or difficulties later on.

It sometimes seems we Germans have particular skills in weaponizing meetings. In Germany we have a saying “Es wurde schon alles gesagt, ber noch nicht von jedem,” meaning “Everything has been said already, but not yet by everybody.“ Hence, feel free to repeat points and use different words to say the same thing again. After all, if you are heard, it will be good for your career. Another saying is “Wenn du nicht mehr weiter weißt, bilde einen Arbeitskreis!” meaning “If you are at a loss, form a working group!” Hence, when possible, refer all matters to committees, for “further study and consideration.” Attempt to make the committees as large as possible—never less than five people. Hold larger conferences when there is more critical work to be done.

Delay Decisions

We love to argue. A popular topic of argument is who’s to blame. Many hours can be wasted on deciding who is at fault. This blame game is closely followed by the argument about who actually has to do the work—who is in charge or responsible for a task or a project. Of course, everybody wants the easy ones that can be used to look good. But nobody wants the stinkers that have no good or at least no obvious solution and are merely set up to fail.

In general, involve as many people as you can in a decision. After all, you can’t just ignore that far-off manager who may or may not be relevant to the decision, and asking him for input or even agreement will surely make him feel worthy. Never put anybody on an email only in CC, as that could be interpreted as this email being irrelevant. Include as many people in the email as possible. If you are in a management position, create a KPI for the number of emails sent, and reward the most prolific emailer (okay, I wanted to write a sarcastic blog post, but now I am getting scared myself… What have I done???).

Once there is a decision, question that decision. Be worried about the propriety of any decision. Raise the question of whether such action as is contemplated lies within the jurisdiction of the group or whether it might conflict with the policy of some higher echelon. Even better, once a decision has been made, question that decision and suggest alternatives.

Of course, everything has to be done through the proper channels. Never permit shortcuts to be taken in order to expedite decisions. Just some informal conversation or agreement (in Japanese, nemawashi) would have the risk of speeding things up and getting everybody on board. Naturally, all such instructions need to be in writing.

Management Options

As a manager, you have even more options. You can alternate between micromanagement and total freedom. Let your people do what they want, but occasionally micromanage the shit out of them. That will surely tell them who is the boss.

You can also start as many projects as possible. This will keep them plenty busy with all kinds of meetings just to keep up to date on the projects, leaving no time to do the actual work. The speed of the decision-making should always exceed the speed of the ability to implement. After all, it would make the manager look bad otherwise.

Always fire the bottom 10% of performers. Who are the bottom 10%? Just pick any metric of your choice. You don’t even have to be consistent. Bonus points if you reward ass-kissing. Double bonus point if you fire people for not sending out enough emails (see email KPI above. I am truly scaring myself now…).

As it is with so many blog posts, this (sarcastic!) post is getting longer than intended. Hence, I will continue this (sarcastic!) guide on how to sabotage your own company in my next blog post. Now, go out, do the OPPOSITE of what I wrote above so your company actually improves, and organize your industry!